I happened to watch an item on a TV show this morning related to a woman whose husband had told her he was no longer attracted to her because she had put on weight. They asked for people’s opinions so I offered mine and then thought I would share it with you as a blog.
Now typically as this debate unfolds there will be people who would say you should love someone no matter what size they become however we all know that this sentiment of unconditional love is not necessarily the reality in the image conscious culture we live in nowadays. So I am not going to debate the rights and wrongs of the issue but instead point out something that many people don’t understand about how many of us do love…..
There are different love styles and love filters that will affect the reaction to someone’s appearance changing during the relationship. In a relationship two people can have different ways of loving depending on the way they filter the world and if that filter is disturbed it WILL AFFECT THE QUALITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP
If your partner is predominantly VISUAL in their filter then the way their partner looks is almost like a contract taken out stating …part of falling in love with you is based on how I “see” you….. which then stimulates other areas and opens them up to what they feel about you…. and yes for Visuals… the bond that you have has a huge dependence on what they can see in front of them…visuals are much more likely to fall out of love (or cheat) if the partner works away or can’t see them for any reason… a visual will have written the quote “out of sight out of mind” . Add to this to the fact that men are primarily turned on by what they see…women by what they hear …then although the romantic notion is that you should love someone whatever size they are… lust is part of love for many …especially if they are Ludos or Eros Lovers (another filter you can identify) and the reality is…. if your dating or married to a visual then how you look is going to affect how they feel about you…there is no right or wrong it is just how it is…the truth.
Now if you are dating/married to someone who is predominantly Audio or Kinesthetic then chances are if your physicality changes it is not going to have the same effect..again if they happen to be an Agape or Storge love style then the unconditional love and companionship factor may over ride the visual element.
So to sum up not everyone loves the same and unless we really start to understand this in relationships then love is going to remain painful for most!!…yep if you put on weight and your partner happens to be a visual (male or female) don’t be surprised if it affects the relationship…You could yourself be visual and the fact that your partner does not make an effort in his appearance maybe affecting your sex life!…..as we don’t all love the same understanding how your partner “loves” is key to ensuring that your initial happiness is maintained.
Obviously I am not saying you should put up with someone who verbally abuses how you look but if you have a loving relationship where he has been open and honest about the fact that your change in appearance has affected his lust I just want to point out its not something he is feeling to hurt you but it is coming from his filter of the world. I am hoping that this understanding will soften the hurt that him exposing the truth may have dealt you. If he has not come out and told you the “truth” but you suspect it anyhow understanding his filter will allow you to open up this conversation leading to solutions to working on getting your sexy back.
My book and online Love Coaching Programme “Get Ready For Love” is a programme that is designed to help you discover and uncover how you and your partner or your potential partner “do” love…increasing the chances of maintaining interest and that “loving feeling”…. I am looking for people who are fascinated by this and other information on how we “do” love to test out the programme so if you are interested let me know.
Articles that TJ writes for The Love Coach cover all steps in the cycle of love and include tips and advice for many dating or relationship issues. Her experience as a Love Therapist, Love Coach and Life Coach bring a real-life approach to everyday situations.
Remember life is for loving – that includes yourself!