Givers & Takers

A lot is talked about “Givers & Takers” but there is a 3rd category…read on to identify who you are and who you surround yourself with. 

I am a “Giver”. I wouldn’t be able to be a Love Therapist & Coach If I wasn’t. Although I feel blessed to be able to give, my experiences with life and love have shown that not everyone is meant to operate with the same giving outlook in life.

I would estimate that around 20% of people I have come across are “Takers” ie those that are out for what they can get with very little regard for giving anything back. They possess little or no conscience when emotionally or financially draining you and then moving on to someone else as their next supply. Often using their charm, humour, looks and emotional intelligence to tap into your giving nature. These are born hustlers and experts at surviving via handouts from others but once identified can be a rich source of learning for you.

Around 60% are those that “Give To Take”, people who move through life with no particular agenda to take but have consciously worked out that to get people to give time, love, money, favours etc an exchange is required. This could involve a guy who showers you with compliments until he gets the sex and then you hear little, or a girlfriend who spends time telling you how broke she is and before you know it you are offering to help,  or indeed a family member who calls under the guise of wanting to find out about your exciting plans for the weekend,and then talks at length about never going out themself , only to end with you offering to babysit so they can go out instead.

A further 20% of people I have encountered have been “Givers” – like me they love to give and do it because it makes them feel good. They love buying gifts over receiving them, they like to make people laugh or happy and are always the ones wanting to feed everyone either physically or emotionally. Givers can tend to have poor boundaries and are not necessarily that clued up as to when giving will damage them or when they are being manipulated to give. Givers can have high expectations of others to be like them, thinking that this is “normal” which will always disappoint and can cause Soul Sadness sometimes leading to depression.

There is no judgement here on who is good or who is bad, people are what they are , everyone has a different journey and a different set of lessons to learn. A “giver” who gives everything to everyone else and nothing to themselves damages themselves just as much as a “taker” damages someone when they consciously manipulate. Some are “takers” in one context ie family and friends but will be a “giver” to a new partner in their life.

The key is understanding the differences so that you can make informed decisions on who and what you want in your life. I write this to help you consider in then next 12 months what areas of your life you can work on to find happiness and peace.

My resultions for this year include to learn what I needed to learn to let go of the “Takers” in my life, learn how to cope better with those that “Give To Take” and surround myself more with “Givers”. I have done quite well with the first and the last and have definitely eradicated many takers and spend more time now with other givers.

Now I resolve to work more with the largest proportion of my interactions, those that “give to take”. I resolve to understand their needs and to be even firmer in my boundaries by setting the expectations in advance and being kind enough to stick to them myself.

If you identify yourself as a “Giver” do not even consider changing, although it has its downside it is the very nature of who you are and becoming bitter towards others who are taking will just set you up for Soul Sadness.

Here are 5 helpful tips for surviving as a “Giver”  and continuing to be who you really are.

1. Take some time out to identify who has what trait in your life ..how many takers, give to take and givers you surround yourself with. Who are they and what about these discoveries needs to change to bring you peace.

2. Understand that everyone does what they do as a means to get through their life, it is not personal towards you they are just doing them. The change in how you both interact will come from your actions not from expecting or asking them to change.

3. Plan to slowly but surely eradicate the takers from your life. Compromise is rarely an option with this group of people. Your boundaries should simply be to not spend time with people who do not have your interests at heart, and if you are really honest with yourself you know who they are!

4. Learn how to cope with those that “Give To take” – understand when you are being “worked” and have strong and firm boundaries that you stick to. Say yes when you want to and let the person know that you are doing it purely because YOU want to. Equally set yourself firm boundaries of when you will say no. There should be no explanations or apologies for your boundaries, if 60% of your interactions with people are going to be on a give to take basis you are as entitled to have your needs met as others are. Boundaries are very much the key to Self Love, which inturn is the key to having a healthy relationship with another. If you need to look at your boundaries and want to take my Self-Love quiz as well as find out other ways that you can improve your love and relationships invest in your happiness via the love Get Ready For Love coaching programme. 

5. Surround yourself more with “Givers”. Being a Giver can often be a lonely life as finding others that understand, value and appreciate you for you, rather than for what you give is difficult. As I state its possibly only 20% of the people I have come across that are fellow givers. Seek these out, when you understand your own giving nature you will begin to recognise and attract it in others

TJ Gibbs

The Love Coach