Get more from your love and dating experiences in 2017
This “Dating in 2015” quote seems to have hit the proverbial nail on its head for many of my personal friends and many of those who follow me on Facebook, with cries of “that’s exactly how it is” and “so true”!!
Love is not a one size fits all option. When it comes to relationships there are a number of different love styles including Eros, Ludus, Agape Pragma and Storge. This 2015 Facebook meme is an indication of the ever growing Ludus love style prevalent in the current UK dating culture.
As part of the love changing Get Ready For Love Programme I discuss the different love styles and explain how Ludus love is on the increase in this rapidly changing dating scene.
Ludos lovers “hunt” quantity over quality. They tend to view commitment/marriage as a trap and are the most likely of the love styles to commit infidelity. They are thrill seekers and can regard sex as a conquest or a passtime and often engage in initmacy/relationships because they see them as a challenge. In its most extreme form Ludus love can become sexual addiction.
Other terms for Ludus behaviour include “Playa/Playette”: One Night Stands: Casual Sex Partners and “Friends with Benefits”. The Ludus lovers’ focus is “No Strings Attached Fun” with many dating multiple people at one time. Selection of partners is often based on availability and sexual attraction: Ludus lovers are likely to hang out Online, including dating sites and social media, in clubs and bars and at events such as Speed Dating & Singles Nights.
Ludus love style is no longer just the domain of men. A growing niche of women are also now looking to “hook up” or “netflix and chill” rather than seeking a relationship. According to online research – 12% of dating singles said they are in the market for casual hookups, while the traditional Agape love style still reigns with 70% saying they want a relationship and 11% said they’re searching for their future spouse.
Is this trend likely to continue in 2017 and beyond?? Well it appears so with 1 in 5 relationships starting online in 2013 now having increased to 1 in 3 in 2015. It is projected that an estimated 1 in 2 will meet on line by 2031.
Now that doesn’t mean that the ratio of those looking for Ludus love will grow but with over 91 million people around the world using dating apps “Singletons” have become one of the fastest growing demographics, meaning there is going to be a lot of Ludus loving around.
A growing army of “freemales” now join the male Ludus lovers who are increasingly receiving attention from married women or women who are looking for “a bit of fun”.
There is a lot less judgement nowadays on women seeking to get their physical needs met. However as a Love Therapist and Coach I meet many single women who identify as preferring to paddle short term in the Ludus love lake. As a life changing event such as divorce, milestone birthday or loss of love leads them to Ludus they seek fun, attention and to “get their sexy back”, but ultimately after a while they prefer to stay on land and await the unconditional Agape, the friendship Storge or the practical Pragma love style to appear to meet their complete needs.
Feedback from discussions with some men who use dating sites/apps and status comments on male profiles also indicates an increasing number of guys who are tired of being asked for hook-ups and being requested “D Pics” as it becomes more and more “the norm” in the current dating culture.
If you are venturing into the dating world, whether it be for a Ludus paddle or to seek a soul mate it’s best to go prepared.
To find out which love style you are and to analyse the partners you are attracting, along with many more interesting revelations about love and dating join me at Get Ready For Love and ensure that you are choosing the love style that suits your needs going forward.
In the meantime here are 10 practical real talk dating resolutions as part of a preview of The Love Coach Dating Masterclass for those who are new to the dating scene or for those suffering from dating fatigue. Use these tips to guide you online and in person to making the best of your dating experience.
1. Know What You Want From Dating – are you looking for fun, friendship or commitment? Don’t judge yourself or allow your friends/family to influence what you feel you should be looking for. We are all at different places in the cycle of love and right now Ludus love might be just what you need. If you know you want a long term relationship then it’s time to get clear on who you want to attract as a soul mate.
2. Know Who You Want To Date – Take time out and reflect on your non negotiables for dating and STICK TO THEM!! It doesn’t matter how hot she is, how near he lives, or how funny they are. if one of you is looking for Ludus love and the other looking for Agape someone is going to get hurt.
3. Become More Proactive About Dating– studies have shown that around 40% of people meet through friends, 20% from social gatherings, 18% at work and 19% from combined online dating/social media. Ask your friends to look out for someone suitable for you, be prepared to see others in the work place as potential soul mates and if you don’t socialise much or are possibly self employed then don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and consider Online Dating.
4. Consider Online Dating – If you have not yet ventured forth but are ready to consider Online dating/apps there are plenty to choose from. If you are looking for serious commitment then you may feel a paid site would work better for you ie Match.com or Eharmony. If you just want to paddle for a while in the dating scene then sites such as Tinder or Plenty Of Fish (POF) are free. Many of the people who join the paid sites also use the free services.
5. Keep It Real– Be honest with yourself and others in order to attract those that can be real and honest with you. When meeting someone don’t ask if they are single as the answer could be rehearsed instead ask “is there someone out there who thinks you are their partner?”. Do this in person so that you can ensure that the truth is obvious form the body language and tone. Don’t just presume that someone who is on a date has no partner !!! There are varying reasons why people date ie are transitioning out of a relationship or are bored etc.
6. Be That Which You Want To Attract – As Tip 5 states what we give out we get back. Ensure your Online Profile has up to date pics – Talking to someone and using your friends pic or a pic that was taken when you were carrying less weight/younger is going to lead to a dead end. It’s crazy how many people think that they can build trust with someone when they won’t even be honest about their own appearance.
7.Choose Do Not Be Chosen – Don’t go on a 1st date thinking I hope they like me. Approach it with the concept of finding out if they have what it takes for you to like them. Work out what turns you off in a potential partner and explore questions during your date that will help you work out if you are compatible. Questions such as what do you want from a relationship are quite overwhelming so make the questions smaller…consider asking ..what would be your perfect situation for dating right now.
8. Be Prepared To Let “Them” Know You Are Interested – Ladies, guys can be as insecure as women about their looks or their ability to “pull” and may miss signs that your interested or just think they have no chance. Be prepared to let him know you are interested…..smile, say hi, position yourself so that he can talk to you without him having to make the walk of shame back to his friends. Guys, understand that men are attracted by what they see and women by what they hear…you are going to get a much better response from “Hi that’s a pretty smile” than “Hey Sexy”, “I think you are hot” or “You look like you know how to have fun” . Most women I encounter dislike random strangers using the “Sexy” word in their contact..it immediately puts women on the back foot of being appraised physically rather than as a person – especially on line!
9.Don’t Settle – Do not hold onto something that is not meant for you as it means that you will be unable to receive what is. You have been on a few dates but it is obvious they cannot give you what you need….dont waste your time but invest it in becoming very clear on your needs and move on to your next date….there are over 15 million single people in the UK alone and with Online dating attracting around 90 million users. the world really is your oyster.
10. Fall Back In Love With Yourself– How you love yourself gives others permission on how to love you. There is nothing more attractive than someone who treats themself well physically and emotionally, in turn that will bring out that treatment from others. If you use abusive self-talk ie im too quiet, too fat, so short, not good looking or “I don’t know why your with me” you can expect your potential partner to respond with negative behaviour. Falling back in love with yourself is the absolute corner stone to being able to attract and sustain loving someone else.
Find out more about how to Get Ready For Love www.grfl.co.uk
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Articles that TJ writes for The Love Coach cover all steps in the cycle of love and include tips and advice for many dating or relationship issues. Her experience as a Love Therapist, Love Coach and Life Coach bring a real-life approach to everyday situations.
Remember life is for loving – that includes yourself!